discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
