I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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