I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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