I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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