if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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