i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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