She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
my being single is dangerous.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
