I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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