So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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