Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
