Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
