You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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