I wish I only lived at night.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
