i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
