I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
