Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
