Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
