My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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