I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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