I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
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