I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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