the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
