i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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