Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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