I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
