I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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