if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
