Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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