i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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