He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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