My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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