I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
