Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
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In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
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All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco