just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer