She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
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did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
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I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.