Sry I called you an 8
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was