If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
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Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.