What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great