someone threw a dead crab at me
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
