apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
