Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Randomize
