just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
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