i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
