he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
