I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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