my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
