My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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