My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
