Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
