apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
