i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
PANTIES FOUND
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
