Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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