You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
