Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
