Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
