We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
