I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
