my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
