Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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