one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
did you just send me my own nude
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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