I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
