apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize