im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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