Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
